


The Tinted Corks

by Sailingfreely



Series: Collection of Given Prompts [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, For the smut tho ehem, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Smut, They are dumb for each other, This ain't teen romance, This is what real relationship is, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 08:12:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingfreely/pseuds/Sailingfreely
Summary: Taeyong is a perfectionist and Jaehyun is clingy, somehow they managed to stay together for years despite their contrasting personalities.Jaehyun is blinking his eyes open, staring into Taeyong's beautiful big eyes and his even more beautiful face although it's only morning, "how can you still be so beautiful in my eyes even though we dated so long already?""Because you're whipped for me," he giggles, "thank you, you're handsome too despite that dried drools at the corner of your lips.""So we couldn't possibly become disinterested towards each other, could we?" he grins, challenging.Could they?





	The Tinted Corks

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for you who have given me this prompt.
> 
> Thank you for you who shown me the things I need to learn and be better at.
> 
> Thank you for you who was there when I fell apart.
> 
> Life is a mystery.

Weekends is Jaehyun's favorite, when he could sleep in, stretching his limbs and rolling his toes over the crisp sheet, the scent of coffee wafting through the peaceful air accompanied with the soft padding of his lover's footsteps across the wooden floor. Every morning in the weekends are greeted with a smile, the thoughts of finally being able to set aside his works for a while and the lean arms which embracing him until the slender fingers waking him up so gently that it seems to lull him to sleep again.

"Good morning sleepy head," a chuckle rang through the quiet room, soft sunlight pouring in from the translucent curtains and soft lips kissing his ear. "It's not even morning, so wake up baby."

A content sigh leaving his lips as he's turning around to hug the smaller body on his side, blindly kissing any patch of skin which his lips could reach since he refused to open his eyes yet, "I just went to sleep at 1 am..."

"And I just went to sleep at 4 am, but do you see me still sleeping?" Taeyong laughed when his eyes being kissed, ticklish because Jaehyun missed his aim, "I made coffee for both of us, so you better get up or else we won't leave the bed again like last week."

"Isn't the best thing about holiday is lazing around in bed all day?" he grunts, laughing softly when Taeyong is squishing his cheeks, "we can go out tomorrow... It's still sunday tomorrow."

"You said the same thing last week, but we ended up staying in your room all weekend," Taeyong sighed, slapping Jaehyun's butt as gentle as he could yet still trying to wake the man up. "Come on, let's have a date today or we'll be an old couple who are disinterested with each other."

To that Jaehyun is blinking his eyes open, staring into Taeyong's beautiful big eyes and his even more beautiful face although it's only morning, "how can you still be so beautiful in my eyes even though we dated so long already?"

"Because you're whipped for me," he giggles, "thank you, you're handsome too despite that dried drools at the corner of your lips."

"So we couldn't possibly become disinterested towards each other, could we?" he grins, challenging.

Taeyong scrunching up his nose cutely, "you're so cheesy. But we'd better, since I had to put up with your annoying ass for more than five years."

"That should have been my words!" Jaehyun yelled when the older spanked his butt harder, jumping off the bed and scurrying away in glee.

After many more lazy whining from the younger, they finally go out for a date. They went for a nice lunch at some restaurant, then go for a movie and walking leisurely by the han river, talking while holding hands. Just a simple date, nothing special, but the most important thing is that they are together.

 

\--

 

"Hyung, I'm coming over there, what would you like to eat?" Jaehyun asked through the phone just right after he walked out of his office building, looking down to his wristwatch seeing the hands of time showing twenty three minutes past nine pm. It's long past dinner time, but he knows perfectly well that the older hadn't had any dinner yet according to how busy the man was lately.

Taeyong hummed noncommittal, the rustling of papers echoing through the receiver, " _yeah, okay_."

Jaehyun sighed, knowing that Taeyong is not listening at all, still he said, "I'll just bring you some fast food, okay? Since you're probably too busy to eat and will end up not eating at all if it's a whole meal."

Taeyong hummed again, so he said ' _bye_ ' then hanging up, it's no use talking to him when he's being like that. He secured his phone inside his bag, walking to the subway station while thinking of buying the nearest fast food there. He bought three food set just in case if Taeyong will get hungry again in the middle of the night, or if it's not enough for him having only one set.

He got welcomed by silence when he arrived at Taeyong's apartment, unlocking the door by himself and placed the plastic bag of food on the counter of the small kitchen. He didn't feel it was anything weird since this happened quite a lot of times when the older was too swapped with his work, they didn't even call each in the course of the last two weeks, they barely text each other too. Which is why he's coming over, or else they would go ignoring each other for a whole month or more.

Sometimes it's Jaehyun who's trying to stay in touch, sometimes it's Taeyong who did so, having both of them as ambitious people, working their jobs to the fullest are their priority. Being together for years does lessening their need to stay affectionate than when they just started dating, after all they believes they will be together for a very long time, hopefully forever. That was why they didn't think it's necessary to stay being grossly sweet and in love as of lately. Truth to be told, probably they're a bit in a rut too, meeting up could feel like a chore.

"Hyung," he knocked on the door of Taeyong's room, seeing the man being too focused on his piles of documents on the desk, not minding him a bit. Jaehyun walked closer to him, hugging the man from behind to announce his arrival, effectively causing Taeyong to jolt in surprise.

" _Jaehyun!_ Oh you're here already?"

"No, I'm not here yet, this is my ghost coming for you so you'll have your dinner," he chuckled, pushing away the laptop and stealing the papers from Taeyong's hand, "come now, eat first then I'll let you be."

"You're so silly," Taeyong chuckles, kissing Jaehyun's cheek before taking back the papers and the laptop, "wait, I just need to do it to this part..."

Then the sounds of keyboard clicking starting anew and Jaehyun being ignored once again. Sighing in defeat, he went to the bed and lie down there, scrolling away at his phone to wait until the older is ready to eat. But he's also feeling tired, because he's also been working late for the past few days to make it possible to come over, so amidst his reading through the feeds, he didn't realize that he's slowly slipping away to slumber.

When he wake up, he feels a body hovering above him and little kisses being placed all over his face, he's blinking his eyes to gather enough consciousness until he could see Taeyong's smiling face, "are you done?"

"Yeah, sorry," he chuckled, leaving one last kiss to his lips, "let's have dinner now, you should have start without me."

"If I do that, then you'll go without eating at all, I know you too well," Jaehyun yawned, rubbing his face to rid the last bit of sleepiness.

"Taking care of me so well, huh?" he squeezes Jaehyun's thigh once, then pulling at his arm to get out of the bed, "come on, I've take out the foods to the plates, let's hurry and eat."

" _Wait_ -" his feet slipping a bit since the older keep pulling at him as they walk, he couldn't stop himself from whinning, "slow down, why are you in so much hurry?"

"So I can eat you sooner," Taeyong scrunched up his nose, biting the air to bare his teeth playfully and suggestively.

"Wow, I must be too gone for you to find you sexy doing that," he snorted.

"I can even drink your sarcasm, Jaehyunnie," he rolled his eyes.

In contrary to Taeyong's hurry, they eat in a slow pace, talking at times about their days in the last week, sometimes Taeyong sidetracking and talking about work instead, to which Jaehyun protests and that they should leave it aside at least in the weekend, in their time. It's over midnight when they finished eating, but they squeeze in a time to watch a movie first, waiting for their full stomach to settle. Tomorrow is their day off anyway, they didn't have to worry about having a lack of sleep.

Although the movie soon got forgotten and they're making out instead, Jaehyun pressing Taeyong down as the older grinding up and pulling at his sweatpants. His knee slipping off the couch when Taeyong yanking too hard at his thigh, making them laugh softly despite never stop kissing. The older sneaking in one of his hand under Jaehyun's sweatpants, stroking the skin down to the round ass and give it a squeeze, earning a sigh to his chin.

"Move this to the bed?" Jaehyun grinned, yet Taeyong is shaking his head as a naughty smile gracing his lips, teeth biting down seductively.

"Not yet," he's leaning up, purposely brushing his lips over Jaehyun's ear, whispering, "I want you to fuck me here first."

Jaehyun kissing him deeper, still taking his time while his hands lifting the shirt up to expose Taeyong's torso, trailing the honey skin lower, nails scratching lightly at the navel then down to play at the button of the man's jeans. Taeyong likes to wear skinny jeans, knowing the younger loves to see the shape of his slim legs, but it makes taking it off harder. Well, that just gonna make the gift unwrapping more worthwhile.

The cold air getting warmer as little moans pouring out their lips, hands roaming everywhere not a space untouched. Jaehyun going down to trail kisses upon the quivering skin, yanking off the jeans as he goes lower, throwing it away mindlessly when he's kissing the skin of Taeyong's inner thighs, spreading his legs open with his hands. There's nothing more satisfying for him than to make a mess of Taeyong, unrestrained noises and his slender fingers gripping at anything they could reach to ground himself as he let Jaehyun tearing apart any semblance of sanity.

A shiver racking his body when he's being graced by Taeyong's loud, low moan as he's diving down to take him whole into his mouth, licking at the underside of his most sensitive skin, sucking as he's swallowing and letting Taeyong to hit the back of his throat. Although Jaehyun is tempted to use only the dripping saliva painting his chin and Taeyong's skin, he knows it's irrational since it's been a while for them.

He pulls away, breathing in to settle the need of air and also the musky scent that is unique to Taeyong, "wait, I will get the-"

"Just take me raw, wet me with your tongue, drench me with your mouth," Taeyong said breathlessly, voice cracking and shaky although it should have been Jaehyun since he's not the one who just got a dick in his throat. There's pleasant goosebumps of pride knowing he did it the best at wrecking the older.

Obedient as he always are to Taeyong, Jaehyun didn't hesitate to dive in again, going lower to lick at the twitching opening, already wet from the previous ministration, yet not wet enough. Broken moans bouncing on the walls when Jaehyun pushing in his tongue, licking it open in circular motion and immensely pleased and encouraged with the way Taeyong didn't stop moaning, his long fingers yanking and brushing over his hair.

He pushes in two index fingers and licking deeper, tasting Taeyong thoroughly with his tongue, vibrating it as he open him wider down to three fingers. Taeyong gasped, thighs convulsing around the younger's head and body arching off the couch while his toes curling on Jaehyun's back.

"Stop," he gasped again, yanking at Jaehyun's hair desperately, breathing ragged, "take me now."

"But you are-"

"It's enough," he said hurriedly, impatient. Then he took one of the younger's hand to suck and lick at those pretty and thicker fingers, drenching it in his mouth before he lets go and bring their hands to stroke over Jaehyun's hard arousal, wetting it in turn, " _now_."

But Jaehyun is determined to keep the slow pace, frustrating not only for Taeyong but also himself, but when else could he drive Taeyong crazy like these? He lifted Taeyong's legs to wrap around his waist as he's pushing in, as slow as he could since saliva is never enough, causing the sweetest burning sensation for them. When he's completely in, he stills, bending down to embrace Taeyong's small body in his arms, kissing his lips softly.

"Move, Jaehyun," he hissed, digging his heels to the younger's tail bone and squeezing his rim around the man to show how impatient he is.

Still, Jaehyun keep kissing his face without moving, only began thrusting slowly when Taeyong bites his shoulder out of frustration, "let's see if we could come just by doing it this slow."

"I'll be dead before that," Taeyong half groaning and moaning, it's so frustrating when Jaehyun is being like this.

"We will see," he grinned, kissing at Taeyong's jaw and licking down to his neck, his collarbone before he's biting gently at the erect nipples.

Devastatingly, Taeyong knows Jaehyun is stubborn when he made his mind to do something, so gradually he accepted his defeat and take whatever it is that Jaehyun had to offer. He can't decide if it's heaven or hell the way Jaehyun managed to hit the spot where it feels so good, but he's doing it so tortuously slow, lacking the impact and drags which Taeyong is wishing for. But the way the younger's body fits so right in between his legs, the way his thick arms twitching around his torso as he's thrusting into him, feels so good that it's clawing at his lust.

It took them long, for the little pleasures accumulating together and bursting into explosion to another explosions as they finally reach orgasms. Their skin thrumming, red blooming and they're breathing harshly to take in more air when they're coming down, savoring the last buzz of euphoria until their eyes grew heavier and escaping to the dreamland without realizing.

They were always so busy, the time to be together is a luxury, but like this, the wait does worth a whole lot more. Maybe, it's enough like this.

 

\--

 

It always start off with rumours, going around due to some overly excited people who can't keep their mouths shut. Taeyong, for the most part are thrilled, the issue is something he had been dreaming of for the last few years he's been in that company, but the other part are not so eager, perhaps. Because then he will have to leave his home, his family, friends and mostly, he'll have to leave his _lover_.

So, in the couple months since the rumour has started until he finally got the official notice, he keep reading the papers which is informing his transfer to another country with anxiety underlying his excitement. Not just somewhere else within Korea, but to a whole different country he never step on.

"But isn't this two months notice?" Yuta said through the bitten straw, splashing droplets of juice all over the table and to Taeyong's cheek.

"Gross! Stop biting the straw like that!" he hissed, wiping the droplet on his face only to get another rain of spit over his forearm when Yuta laughed.

"But seriously though, it's been almost three weeks. You're wasting the time which you could have spend with Jaehyun when you keep dilly dallying."

"I know," he sighed, "I haven't told anyone, not even my parents. If I tell them, they'll tell him and I just... I'm afraid to see his face when I tell him, or maybe hear what he has to say."

"I think it's not that you're afraid of how he will react, but more about you who's not going to do anything even if he didn't want you to go."

He can't say anything to that, in a way, that's the truth, because this is what he's been wanting to do. But he knows Jaehyun wouldn't say it that he didn't want him to go, he would possibly support him, but the unsaid words within his eyes are what Taeyong is afraid to see.

And it's proven right when Taeyong finally told Jaehyun two days later. The younger man didn't react right away, silent as he put down his mug of coffee and staring down at the table, "in a month...?"

"The talk happens from months ago and I... I kinda prepared myself for it and the official notice only came about a few weeks ago," he said, biting his lower lip out of guilt.

"Few weeks ago? And you didn't tell me until now?" there's disbelief and pain within his voice, causing an ache to Taeyong.

"I... I wasn't sure how will you take it."

Although there's still pain painted all over his face, Jaehyun's eyes softening a bit at the words, "baby, you know I would support whatever it is that you want to do."

"I know, it's just..."

"Do you realize that keeping me out of it will cut down the time which I will need to prepare myself to be away from you?" he whispered.

He stay quiet so Jaehyun took his hand and hold it gently, "hyung, I know you've been working for more than a year on this proposal for the new design to go through and now you finally get it, how could I do anything but be happy for you? And I know you want to go, no matter what, so really, I'm fine. You know I'll wait for you."

"But Jaehyun, the research will take more than a couple of years in Iceland to follow their break through. Learning through datas and surveys in many of their areas, it will take long and keep me really busy. Are you sure you could let me go that long?"

Jaehyun sighed and they both know his answer, _his truth_ , still he knows Taeyong too well, "you will still go anyways, so I can only let you go with a big heart and wait for you to come back, right?"

"But I may not only do research in Iceland, probably they will put me through Europe too and-"

"Hyung," he called, cutting whatever it is that Taeyong has to say, "stop, just stop, don't make it harder for us."

"But you need to know the whole truth," he whispered, also feeling hurt and lonely.

"It's not like we live in the old days where there's no phone or video calls. We can stay in touch like that and it's not like you'll be there without having to go back here to report or something right?"

"...probably."

"So we just have to do out best to make this work," finally Jaehyun is smiling, squeezing Taeyong's hand softly, "and it's not like I don't have my own things to do, I'm busy too so it'll take my mind off of longing for you."

"Oh Jaehyun," he sniffed, walking around the table and sit down on the younger man's lap to hold him tight, "thank you, really thank you."

They stay like that for a long while, Taeyong's tears spilt to Jaehyun's hair and the younger's to his chest. Until Jaehyun said, "after all what I said, can I still say it...?"

"Say it, please say it," he whispered, kissing the dark brown hair affectionately, stroking over the wide back soothingly.

"Must you go?" he said and although Taeyong couldn't see his face, he knows there must be a pout on his lips and a whine to his tone.

"I'm sorry..."

"Okay," he whispered in defeat, burying his face deeper onto the older man's chest, "okay."

There's a lot of work to do to prepare for the transfer and Taeyong got even busier than he already was, sometimes he went through more than twenty-four hours without sleep, but that's because he want to spare more time to spend with Jaehyun. There are two things which they loves to do to spend their time together, watching a movie in the cinema and drinking a bottle of wine of their own choice in the night.

Jaehyun is a romantist, he likes to remember their dates and keep pieces of it to remember by in the future, to which he kept the movie tickets and the corks of their wine. Taeyong maybe less of a romantist than the younger man, but he's much more creative thanks to his art degree, so when Jaehyun only kept those pieces in his box of treasure, Taeyong make an art of it. He gathers the tickets and placed it in a pattern, framed it and hang it in his room, the same way he did with the corks and sculpt it into an ever developing form.

Jaehyun is more of a person who keep what's important to him in a hidden corner which only him could see, while Taeyong is a person who would proudly show his frame and sculpture to his friends so they could see just how good they are for each other. Since he'll be going for a long time and he didn't know when he'll be back, he put his apartment up for rent and put the scuplt of corks into Jaehyun's care while he took the framed tickets with him. There was no need for him to bring it, but he thinks it's more important than bringing Jaehyun's framed portrait. It contains more memories and stories, he said.

When it's finally time for Jaehyun to drive Taeyong to the airport, it still feels surreal, as if he's in a trance and this is nothing more than a bad dream which he couldn't wake up from. Jaehyun lingers at the entrance, holding onto Taeyong's hand tightly, not willing to let go. A month is barely enough for him to ready his heart, but he thinks he'll never be ready even if it takes more than that.

"Will you let me go?" Taeyong is smiling to him, one of his hand still being held as he run his other hand over Jaehyun's tense shoulder.

"I'm not gonna let you go," he whispered, gripping harder on the older man's hand.

"Jaehyun-"

"I'm not letting you go, I'm just letting you spread your wings so you'll fly back to me."

That made Taeyong to chuckle despite the way his eyes are glistening due to tears, "my baby," he cooes, "of course I'll fly back to you."

"So I'm just keeping our nest safe," he said in something close to a whine and a whisper, head lowered.

They laughed then, "so you gonna warm the eggs?"

"The eggs will have to wait until you are back with me," Jaehyun tries to joke to deny himself from crying his heart out.

"Are you implying something, Jaehyun?" he grinned, to which Jaehyun pushed him out of annoyance, but more at trying to hide his tears.

"Just go, don't make me cry anymore."

"Don't cry... Because I can't cancel the ticket at the last minute and it's expensive," he giggles, pinching Jaehyun's cheek adoringly, he loves to do that.

"That's why I'm holding back, just go."

"You're still holding my hand, baby," he smiled, tiptoeing to kiss Jaehyun's cheek.

He sighed, squeezing his lover's hand for the last time before he's finally letting go, "you have to come back."

"Yes, I know... I will," he brings both hands to cradle the younger's face, kissing his lips, his eyes, his nose then back again to his lips, lingering there for a while. "I'll be back for the eggs," he chuckled.

"Not for me?" Jaehyun whined, but he's smiling although it's tainted with pain.

"For you, of course for you."

Then Taeyong walked into the security gate, getting his belongings checked as he keep smiling to Jaehyun, waving his hands occasionally. And when he went past the security, waving his hands still, he's mouthing an ' _I love you_ ' to Jaehyun, then he went and disappearing in the ocean of people, swallowed where Jaehyun could no longer see him again.

And only then does it feel real for Jaehyun, that Taeyong is really leaving, gone to somewhere far away where he couldn't follow, for the days and nights without his lover to fill his space. That was also when he finally break down and cried as he's sitting on a bench, refusing to go home yet as if the airport is his only solace at the moment. If only he could embrace Taeyong for the last time, but he didn't think he would be able to let him go of he did so. Not long a text popped up in his phone, he read it through the thick tears and longing.

 

> **From** : Yongie hyung ♡
> 
> People are looking at me weirdly hahaha. I'm crying like crazy, I'm blaming you. I love you, wait for me baby.

 

Jaehyun is laughing and crying at the same time, biting his lips to control his tears and tasting the salty taste of temporary goodbye. He texted back as fast as he could with obstructed sight from the water works. Taeyong also chuckling with wet cheeks as he read the reply.

 

> **From** : My dumb Chipmunk ♡
> 
> I hate you. I love you. I miss you already, don't make me wait too long.
> 
>  

He couldn't bring himself to reply Jaehyun back, since his cries just get more painful and harder to hold in. At least he managed to text back a short yet truly honest words.

' _I miss you too_.'

 

\--

 

Cliche as it is, their calls and texts are frequent for every day at first, at least one call and more than three texts a day. But as much of a perfectionist that Taeyong is, his attention quickly shifting to that of his works and their contacts are diminishing considerably to the point they barely text each other in a week or two.

Human's adaptation is amazing, what was Jaehyun waiting every day and night for at least a single text, feeling hurt and disappointed when he didn't receive any, become him who couldn't care less about it anymore. Even though deep down he's still waiting, he wasn't so hopeful anymore and his longing numbing into a nothingness he could barely felt. But when the call or the text came, fondness and happiness blooming in his heart.

There's a period of time when Jaehyun is struggling to keep his focus on his job due to the loneliness, but then his pride being the healer in those time, thinking that Taeyong is living his life out there and he should do the same and more on his end. He keep himself busy, leaving no time to daydream about Taeyong being there with him and end up far too tired to wait or make a call to his lover and went to sleep in ignorance.

Doesn't mean he didn't miss Taeyong or worry for his well being, he did, but it's unproductive to keep himself mulling about it when he sees the dark bruises under his lover's eyes in their rare video calls, a telltale of lack of sleep. What was cheerful video calls with excited stories about Iceland, becomes sleepy hellos and fluttering eyes of trying to stay awake to which they would end up falling asleep with the phone slipping off their pillow, or one of them staring at the their lover's sleeping face in yearning.

Weekend become something Jaehyun didn't really like, because that's when his emptiness and loneliness feels the strongest. Because there's only silence with no smell of coffee in the air, the thick curtains stays over the window causing his room to stay in the dark. There's no soft hands tickling his face to wake up, no annoying demands for them to go out, no movies interesting enough for him to watch. Weekend become the time for him to stay in his tight, confining apartment with no illusions of freedom anymore.

When it's almost three months of Taeyong's leaving, Johnny, Jaehyun's best friend finally had enough and dragged him outside of his place to stop him from going rotten due to sorrow. Even when Johnny pushed his favorite cup of coffee in the cafe where he frequent to visit with Taeyong, he didn't feel the slightest bit intrigued.

"Just tell him you miss him," Johnny grunted after his nth failed attempts to encourage the younger.

"I did, every damn time, but it's not like he or I could do anything about it," Jaehyun pressed his eyes with the heel of his palm, elbows scraping over the table.

"Can't either of you visit each other?"

"He's only gone for three shitty months, hyung. Beside that I can't take a paid leave, it's so pathetic," he sighed.

"Well, I wanna say it's normal to be feeling what you're feeling, but you got a point," Johnny said, slurping at his coffee loudly, "is he at least having a good time there?"

"Considering how excited he was when he's talking about his job, yeah, _absolutely_. I do have a great time here too, being able to focus on my work solely without having to constantly thinking about him. Yet I'm still so miserable like this," feels like he just said the biggest lie.

"First separation does feel the hardest, but you're getting the hang of it," Johnny offered a reassuring smile, "and it's not like you stop thinking about him though?"

"Well, but I don't have to calculate my working hours so I can spare a time to spend with him, in a way. So it does give me less stress, for other kind of stress to take place," he slid down to the table, almost knocking over their drinks.

"He's thriving hard there, you should do the same, I bet he's also miserable like you but he tries to make it all worthwhile," slowly he's brushing through Jaehyun's hair, soothing.

"Oh definitely," he scoffed bitterly, "he's definitely making it all worthwhile he barely have any time to spare a call, not like I did any better... And he kept talking about some Kristjan, Viktor and Katrin, apparently they're a very nice company to him."

Johnny chews on his straw, a calculating look on his face, "what's this about?"

"He kept talking about Viktor mostly," he grumbles, "said he's a very tall man with a very cute smile and doting personality. _Yeah right_."

"Jaehyun, you're jaelous," Johnny's words caused Jaehyun to straighten up in surprise, seeing the older man grinning mockingly, "that's just your jealousy speaking."

"What- I'm not _jealous?_ " he said defensively, frowning in disagreement.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that," Johnny chuckled, scooping the whip cream with his straw, "it's not like you're not with your own Viktor, Katrin and Kris whatever it was, Taeyong was also jealous over Haeun, you know."

"Haeun? She's just a colleague, he never tell me about this," he did noticed the way Taeyong would have a somewhat hostile eyes whenever the woman was around, but he had thought it was only his imagination.

"Exactly, just like you being jealous over Viktor because he's also just a colleague to Taeyong, am I right or _am I right?_ " he grins, making Jaehyun scowling hatefully.

"I hate you."

"Just because I speak the truth, yep," he chuckled, stabbing his straw repeatedly to his coffee as his eyes roaming through the mall and all of their pink and red decorations, "valentine is near, huh?"

"What a dark valentine it is for me this year," he hid his face again to the table with a whining groan.

"Are you sure?"

He look up in curiosity due to Johnny's suggestive and teasing tone, "what?"

"Nothing," he bites at his straw again, apparently he's been spending way too much time with Yuta to pick up the other man's habit, "don't spend too much time being alone in your home, it makes you think negatively, go out, socialize with us and it'll distract you from it."

"Easy for you to say. But, you're right, I'll try to go out more."

"I'm always right," he grinned not without a suspicious look on his face.

 

\--

 

That week Jaehyun only managed to call Taeyong once, even then the older barely gave him any decent attention, mostly humming absentmindedly as the sound of keyboard clicking filling the call. Feeling pissed off and disappointed, Jaehyun didn't try to call the man again for the rest of the week, determined to make Taeyong to call him first, as if trying to prove that he's not missing him and also as busy as the man. _Petty_ , but maybe justified, at least for Jaehyun.

There was a period of time when Jaehyun thought of Taeyong's perfectionist self as endearing, but when the older keep wearing his self thin since doing a lot of work including those which weren't his, he's starting to hate that trait of the older especially. It's not seldom that Jaehyun heard Taeyong complaining about the lack of quality of other employees work and took it upon himself to reach his own standards of satisfactory. It's also not rare for the younger to argue that those employees wouldn't learn to be better if Taeyong keep doing their works for his own selfish satisfaction, but the older man would get mad at him instead of appreciating his opinion.

Taeyong did try to stay put for once or a few other times, letting these people do their own job, but the lackings which he expected to be fulfilled, leaving Taeyong a bad taste and a frustrating itch he couldn't scratch to the point he fell sick due to stress. So it's not surprising for Jaehyun to know that the older did the exact same thing in the whole far away country, probably that's also why Taeyong appreciate Viktor a lot because he seem to be a very competent and responsible coworker.

Jaehyun fall into his bed with a muffled scream to his pillow, frustrated because of his own thoughts. He often entertain the idea of working together with Taeyong, where he could show him how competent he could be and that he could stay beside the older man for longer and more often. But working together too closely with your partner often proven toxic more than anything, many things could go wrong and people's stories -excluding wishful and unrealistic romance stories- shown enough that romantic relationship mostly falling apart because of it. The stress, the frustration, expectations not made are potent mix of disaster.

And so it leave Jaehyun to think about other ways to stay close with Taeyong, he had done the same by following the older to Seoul when he was originally posted at Busan, maybe he can do the same this time around. But this is not a transfer to another city, it's to a different country, just how can Jaehyun do it?

He jolted on the bed when suddenly his phone vibrating near his leg, rolling around to pick it and read the name which flashing through the screen. A contact name which he changed since he was too pissed off before, bringing a double meaning grin over his lips, happy and amused.

> My Idiot hyung ♡

It's a video call, he sit up on the bed to fix his hair and straighten his shirt before he picks up, "hi hyung."

The screen only showing Taeyong's collarbone peeking out from his seemingly white thin undershirt, " _hi baby, I miss you."_

"I miss you too, but I think you aim your camera too low because I can't see your face," he chuckles, annoyance forgotten to make way for happiness.

Taeyong hummed and Jaehyun could barely see his chin, yet he could picture the teasing grin on his lips, " _do you only want to see my face?_ "

The question got Jaehyun frowning, "what do you mean?"

" _What do you think?_ " he's fingering his collarbone, dipping in his finger into his shirt to show a bit of his bare chest to the younger.

Jaehyun's breath hitched when realization dawning on him, understanding what Taeyong is suggesting. So he put his phone upright on the bed since he believe he'll be needing both hands for other things than holding his phone. "I'm ready for what you have to offer."

For a moment a thumb obscuring the camera view for it to show a blurry image of white, beige and black, until it focuses and Jaehyun could see slim legs covered in thigh high black socks under oversized white undershirt. He hastily gulping as heat creeping in his skin, then the camera going up and backward to show Taeyong lying in bed on his side, one hand propping his head while the other adjusting his phone to stay stable.

" _Happy birthday and happy valentine, my baby boy_ ," he sing song with an indecent smile, rubbing his legs slightly in an erotic way.

"Holy shit hyung," he breathed, shifting his own legs from the hot, ticklish sensation stirring in his groin.

" _You like to see me small and with your leg fetish, I figured this is the best birthday gift I can offer for now_ ," he winked and grinning like a feline, bringing his hand to stroke his hip down to his thigh, fingers playing at the hem of his undershirt teasingly.

"Damn right you are," Jaehyun hissed, always loving how Taeyong is so ready to indulge his kinks. Also, fuck, he's wearing glasses while in that attire? His lover really want to kill him, "god I wish I can touch you now."

" _Touch me then,_ " he said sultrily, nails grazing over his honey skin, " _how would you touch me now?_ "

"I want to run my hands over your slender legs, feeling the curve of your waist over that fucking thin undershirt," a groan leaving his mouth when Taeyong's hand moving in the way he just told him, caressing his legs up and resting his palm over his curve, slightly lifting his undershirt, revealing a bit of his black G-string.

"Fucking hell, you're wearing _G-string?_ " he breathed out, almost like a shocked moan, covering his mouth to stop himself for making another noise when they are barely starting.

" _For you baby, I love to make a show for you_ ," he whispered through bitten lip, fingers still dancing over his clothed waist, " _how else do you want to touch me? Tell me baby_."

"Fuck," Jaehyun hissed, bringing his own hand to squeeze his hardening arousal. "I want to touch your inner thighs," the fingers itching down to caresses at the hidden skin, legs barely open denying the younger a good view which he's wishing for, "and spread open your legs for me to see the way the G-string digging into your butt."

Taeyong is shifting on the bed to show all his glory right in front of the camera, spread open with the G-string clinging to his opening, slightly bouncing from the way his rim is twitching, " _will you touch me there?_ "

"Not yet baby," Jaehyun moaned, palming his crotch since he shouldn't start when Taeyong is barely touched, "pull at the G-string so I can see it tight over your hole."

Both slim hands pulling at the black fabric, thighs quivering as it's digging deeper into his sensitive skin, letting Jaehyun see how vividly his rim is clenching deliciously from the act, he could also see the state of the older man's hard dick resting heavy over his stomach. Such a sinful display and Jaehyun craves to taste it directly with his mouth, licking his rim and wetting his perineum before he would engulfing that hard dick into his throat. _Shit_ , just the image alone was strong enough to rise goosebumps all over his body, lightly jerking from the intensity of it.

" _Can I let go?_ " Taeyong whines, toes curling into the bed, unable to withstand how good it feels to have the fabric so tight over there.

"Let it go so it'll slap your crotch, baby."

Taeyong did and something like a swallowed scream and a whine spilling out his mouth, head thrown back showing Jaehyun the expanse of his beautiful throat, glasses slightly slipping up to his hair.

"You like it baby?"

" _Hurts_ ," he breathed out, squirming sensually on the bed, those pretty thighs which covered with sock tensing as he's tucking in his feet under his body, still wide open for Jaehyun. He put a finger into his mouth, sucking and biting it with devilish grin, " _but I like it._ "

"Shit, _fuck_ , hyung, you're fucking me up so bad," Jaehyun let out a choked moan, hands unconsciously harrowing on the bed to imagine how heavenly it would be to feel those thighs directly.

" _You don't want to play with my chest?_ " he let go of his finger to rub it over his clothed nipple, wetting the shirt with it, " _or do you still want to touch me down there?"_ he's grazing his other hand down his torso and over his hard red dick for his three fingers to rub at the reddening rim under the almost thread like underwear.

"I want to touch you all over, baby. I want to kiss your mouth messily, biting over your caramel skin and lick it to taste the sweetness of it, to pull at your nipples, to caress your rim and fuck you open still with the G-string resting over your slender hip, shit."

Taeyong moaned, arching his body as he's sliding in his hand under the shirt to pull at his nipple, his other hand gliding over his clothed dick and his perineum, a finger pressing into the rim, shoving in a bit of the black fabric inside. When the G-string got stuck inside his twitching rim and bouncing out as he's lifting up his legs to the air for his kness to meet, is such an arousing view that Jaehyun could almost come from that alone.

"Keep your legs open for me baby, don't close it just yet, let me savor my birthday gift to the fullest."

" _Let me see your dick, baby boy,_ " Taeyong smirked, body still squirming on the bed, looking so debauched with thin layer of sweat glistening over his face and chest, " _I wanna see you touching yourself too_."

He let out an unrestrained moan as he pulled down his pants completely, letting the older to see how wrecked he is for him, so hard for him as it's sprung out and slapping his stomach slightly. He's wetting his palm with his tongue, deliberately licking it in the most sensual way as he keep an eye contact with Taeyong through the camera, bringing it down to stroke at his dick when it's slippery enough. "You made me like this hyung, only you can make me this crazy."

Taeyong moaned when Jaehyun stroking himself a bit faster, spreading his legs again and pulling at his G-string to the side so he could show his bare rim, clenching and unclenching so sinfully. A gasp jumped out of his quivering mouth as he's slipping in a finger inside, dry and raw. Jaehyun growled seeing that finger sliding in slowly without any wetness, it must be feel burning, deliciously and Taeyong keep pushing it in down to his knuckle.

"Does it hurt baby? Do you want me to be gentler?" Jaehyun is half whispering and hissing.

" _I love a little bit of pain, baby boy, you can be rougher with me_ ," he gasps, licking his lips seductively.

"I love the slippery slide of my fingers inside you though, so wet your fingers enough that drools will come rolling down your chin, baby. And I'll give you more fingers twisting inside you."

Taeyong keens from the words alone, throwing his head back as his toes digging to the bed under him. Quickly, he brings his other hand to his mouth, wetting four of his fingers right away, way too impatient since he's too aroused. He's obeying Jaehyun so well just like Jaehyun is pliant for him, swirling his hot tongue over his fingers, drenching the between of his knuckles to the point saliva dripping down his open mouth. Even licking his own fingers feels so good when he's under Jaehyun's mercy.

"Are you imagining licking my dick, hyung?" he hissed.

" _Yeah_ ," Taeyong breathed out, shoving his fingers deeper before speaking around it again, " _but you're bigger and heavier._ "

His dick twitched strongly at that, groaning and squeezing the base of his dick to stop his orgasm, all the while keep watching Taeyong thrusting in a finger to his dry rim and licking and sucking at his fingers, legs jerking due to the sensations, moans muffled by the fingers inside his mouth. When he finally pulls out his fingers, he brings it down immediately to his rim, opening himself with both his hands, moaning loudly until he managed to fit three fingers in, pulling at the edges so Jaehyun could see his inside.

" _I can't hold on_ ," he breathed shakily, legs trembling and face red as he's leaning up a bit to stare at Jaehyun right in the eye, " _fuck me now_."

"Do it then," he groaned, immediately being gifted with the display of Taeyong pushing in four fingers into himself, deep to his knuckles and twisting inside to hit his most delicious spot. Jaehyun is stroking himself harder when Taeyong start moaning and screaming, hip lifting up in the air to hit his spot harder. So intense, so sinful but they don't care at all.

" _Fuck, Jaehyun,_ Jaehyun," he moaned out, falling down to the bed when his legs jerking uncontrollably, squirming desperately due to the pleasure, stomach tightening and hair splayed beautifully over the sheet. He didn't wait for the younger's order to stroke at his own dick, " _I'm coming baby, I'm coming_."

"Come for me baby, I'm coming too, Taeyong-" his words fading into a silent scream in the same time the older went convulsing and a high pitched scream heard, string of white flying out almost at the same time. They keep doing it to rode out their orgasms, coming down from their intense high with soft moans filling the video call.

They stay quiet for a while to settle down their breathing, chuckling lightly when a semblance of sanity coming back. Jaehyun was the first to blurted out, "holy fuck."

" _Indeed_ ," he laughs, " _I didn't know it could be that intense_."

"Shit, I want to cuddle you so bad now, I want to kiss you, I'm going crazy."

" _Me too_ ," he breathed out, red still painting his cheeks. He wiped his hands with a towel which he had prepared before hand, then rolling on the bed to hold up the phone, kissing the camera as if it could ease a bit of his longing, " _happy birthday baby_."

"A very amazing gift, not the best since I can't touch you, but still it was awesome," he laughed, kissing the camera too.

" _Did it at least makes you happy?_ " Taeyong grinned, laying side way on the bed and Jaehyun did the same after he wiped his hands with his forgotten pants.

"Absolutely, definitely," they are chuckling together, "I love you, hyung."

" _I love you too baby boy_ ," he makes smooching lips, finger caressing the corner of his phone as if he's caressing Jaehyun's face instead. " _I took an early leave today for you, but you should go to sleep now because it's late at night there, right? Tomorrow is still a work day._ "

"After I finally could have you like this with me? Not a chance, let's talk for a bit longer."

" _Alright, maybe I can sing you a song as your lullaby today,_ " he smiled, so soft, so fondly.

"And you said I'm the cheesy one," Jaehyun smirked.

" _Hush, I can be romantic when I want to and I miss you_."

"Well then, please sing me a lullaby," he kissed the camera again, not easing his yearning at all and instead only making it worse, still he can't stop.

That night Jaehyun slept like a baby and left Taeyong smiling as he keep watching his lover's face, until the phone fall and he couldn't see his face anymore, only then did he hang up. Bless Wi-Fi for making this possible. Probably it's due to the euphoria of their indirect sex, that their contact is increasing again like it had been when Taeyong just arrived at Iceland. They call, they text every two days or at least once a week then, Jaehyun is immensely happy, he's been craving for Taeyong's attention. He didn't care if that makes him a clingy boyfriend, that's just how he is.

He didn't even mind that Taeyong mostly talking about his work, sometimes about a certain Viktor, Jaehyun was that happy. Still, being away like that is scratching at his sanity no matter how happy he is, slowly Jaehyun is starting to mind and trying to find every little things that Taeyong did and it come out when they're having a useless argument which leading to their fights. And from it, their contact is starting to decrease again.

" _I'm too tired to listen to your stupid bullshits, Jaehyun. If you can't talk nicely, then it's better if we don't talk at all, cool your head a bit before you decide to call me again_ ," he sighed through the receiver, thanking the fact that they're having a regular call instead of a video call, so not ready to see Jaehyun's grumpy ass.

"Bullshit? I talk bullshit? You must think you're so fine that all the problems that we have only comes from me, you can be so busy and I can't, when I voice out my discontent you refused to hear me out like this."

Taeyong is massaging his temple to soothe his irritation, " _I didn't refuse you, are you_ fucking _listening? I'm tired, you're tired, you're irritated because of it, well so I am! So stop this pointless argument and calm down first, I need to rest and you obviously need it too, so just stop_."

"We wait, so what? When I've calm down enough you'll be too busy to answer or text me, then you forget about me, what a fucking pattern huh? I'm also busy, yes I'm also tired, I'm stressed, I'm irritated and now is the only time I have to talk to you, but do you even spare me a minute to listen?" he said heatedly, face red from anger, yanking at his hair to stop himself from throwing his phone in the fit of rage.

" _You demands me to understand you, well you fucking know what? I also ask you to understand me, I'm too tired to think clearly about anything else than having a rest right now. I'm so fucking sorry you're busy, I'm sorry I'm also busy and I'm sorry it's in the fucking middle of the night here, should I also say sorry to the sun because he didn't rise soon enough? What do you think can come out when we're both too tired and irritable? This, these stupid fights!_ " he couldn't stop himself from yelling although he didn't mean to.

"Do you have to yell?" Jaehyun yelled back, "then tell me when we're going to have a time to converse? We know shit! Because you are the one who is mostly too busy, with fucked up schedules and I'm waiting for you when you so blissfully forgotten about me! Feel so high in your sky huh? Since you think you're more successful than me? Just because you're a bit older than me-"

" _Do you think I want to be this busy, asshole?? You think I'm some sort of masochist that I exhaust myself like this? If I could decide for myself I'd rather have a whole month of vacation than staying stuck in the office with the smell of stinky feet! Don't you put the blame on me when I have no control over it, as it is with you! That's just the way it is, so don't you fucking demand me to understand when you don't even try to understand me!_ "

"How dare you," Jaehyun whispered so dangerously low, yet pain and betrayal so thick and loud in his voice. "How dare you call me that, I never call you names."

Taeyong breathed out harshly, pressing his palm over his forehead, " _I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm just... Please just stop talking for a while, we need time to cool down, I don't want us to fight, please_."

The younger is quiet for a moment, only to dealt a low blow, "are you sure you're working late every day? You're so defensive, so angry that it got me wondering if that's all you did."

" _What?_ " he can't understand what Jaehyun was getting at, there's a tiny bit of guess, but Taeyong didn't want to believe it.

"Were you with someone else? All those late nights, were you with someone else? Or was Viktor with you?"

It felt like a slap to his face, now Taeyong could understand why Jaehyun was being like that. The younger was always so clingy, he's aware of it, but never was he's that demanding, that hardheaded. It's because he's accusing Taeyong of cheating on him, " _fuck you Jaehyun. You know what? I was sorry I called you that just a moment ago, but you really are an asshole_."

With that their call ended with a click, leaving Jaehyun with a bad taste in his mouth, maybe there's guilt, maybe there's anger, but most importantly he's disappointed because Taeyong didn't give him any clarification. It's either the older really is cheating on him or Jaehyun really hurt him and now he's punishing him with uncertainty. Either way, they're all painful, ripping him apart with so many ill emotions and thoughts. He cried himself to sleep later that night, wondering if Taeyong is hurting as much as he is.

Probably shame was the first thing he felt when he woke up the next morning, guilt and useless pride being in the way for him to apologize even when he knows he's the one at fault, but that doesn't mean Taeyong is free of it. And so he keep pushing back the time and days to call Taeyong again. He did apologize almost a week later, to which Taeyong apologized too and they could talk calmly with clearer head, they did laugh at the end of their call, but the pain is still fresh and their laughter feel dull and superficial.

A week without call, another week without text and a month of them not having contact at all. Even amidst his busy schedules, Jaehyun can't stop thinking about Taeyong, if the man is actually still angry? Or is he simply just grow uncaring about him? Is he okay? Is he eating fine there? Does he miss Jaehyun like he miss him? Or was there another person occupying Taeyong's mind? Jaehyun didn't believe it, didn't want to believe it, yet still those thoughts floating around in his head.

"You're going back?" Jaehyun asked through the phone call.

" _Yeah, at least for three days then I'm flying back here again before they send me to another area_ ," he answered with many rustling noises in the background.

That doesn't sit well with Jaehyun, "just three days?"

" _At least in those three days we can finally meet,_ " he groaned, something like punching sounds heard, " _it's not like we never been in lost contact though_."

That stung so much, as if blaming him, as if trying to cut Jaehyun deeper, so he change the topic, "what are you doing?"

" _I'm trying to close my suitcase but my clothes are bursting out,_ " he grunts.

"Maybe you didn't pack them tight enough-"

" _Yeah, I'll redo it, so I'll hang up now. See you in five days Jaehyun._ "

"Wait-" the sound of a click heard then the call is off, not even waiting for what he wants to say.

He throw his phone on the bed and bury his head to the pillow, angry and frustrated. Is this what distance is doing to them? He had thought they will be strong enough to face anything, but it seems Jaehyun is crumbling every each day passes without his lover. Was he too insecure? Too clingy? But Taeyong doesn't seem to be as affected as him and that's what makes his skin crawl. If only the older is at least as rattled as he is, maybe he could deal with it better. Feeling like he's the only one being miserable makes it all the more harder than it actually is. Or is it pride rather than insecurity?

When the days went by and Jaehyun noticed it should be the day when Taeyong flying back to Korea, there's still no information from the older. So he took it upon himself to call him to ask about it, surprisingly the call got through instantly unlike other times before.

"Hi hyung, today is the day right? Do you need me to pick you up from the airport?"

" _Hi Jae, actually I'm already at the office_ ," was his short and effective answer.

 _What?_ "You're in Korea already? Or are you still in the office in Iceland?"

" _In Korea, silly_ ," he giggled, " _I'll go home in the evening after I'm done here, it's okay if you don't wait for me_."

"What kind of stupid things are you saying? Of course I will wait for you, I will pick you up from the office myself if I have to," Jaehyun grumbled, annoyance rousing within. Taeyong sounds like his usual self though, is he no longer angry?

" _I'm still not yet reporting my data since the people here are smothering me to give them souvenirs and stories_ ," he laughed, " _I would probably be late_."

"Doesn't matter, I will pick you up, just tell me when," he said with a finality then he hang up, because he could guess what the older is going to say. See? It's always like this, nothing seem to bother Taeyong and it's infuriating the hell out of Jaehyun. Is it because he's older? More responsible? Why does distance tells him things which he never noticed when they were close together?

At eight pm Jaehyun already parked his car near Taeyong's office building, leaning on his seat to stare at the half moon. Jaehyun hates the moon, because she makes him feel lonely and melancholy like this, makes his yearning more painful and vibrant. He didn't know how long he was staring at the moon, falling asleep and the next thing he know he got woken up by loud pounding noises. He turned his head to the car window bleary eyed, only to see Taeyong grinning widely with his fist on the window.

"Hyung-" he lets out no more than a whisper, surprised but mostly shaken because Taeyong is really there, his lover is here, with him. He hastily opened the car door and Taeyong waste no time to jump in, straddling his lap and kissing his lips as if there's no tomorrow, as if he missed him _that much_ , that impatient, that desperate.

"Jaehyun, oh Jaehyunnie my baby," Taeyong said amidst his kisses, holding the younger's face so preciously, so lovingly, "Jaehyunnie I missed you, I missed you so much," he placed kisses all over his face, his jaw, back again to his lips.

Jaehyun want to say something, anything, maybe ' _I miss you too_ ' or ' _I love you'_ , but his tongue stay rigid, throat constricting yet it feels like tension bleeding out of his body, warmth in his heart bursting and suddenly tears just spilling out uncontrollably. It caused Taeyong to stop kissing him, but the way he's stroking his cheeks, his hair, nails slightly scratching at his ears, only makes Jaehyun cry harder, chest tight and hiccups jumping out.

 _'I missed him so much, so much it hurts_ ', Jaehyun keep crying, unable to do anything but cry that even his breathing is strained, ' _can't believe I actually missed him this terribly, just how did I was able to fool myself?_ '

"Jae... I'm sorry, please don't cry, don't cry please," Taeyong whispered with soft hush, slender fingers wiping pearls like tears from Jaehyun's cheeks, moonlight shining it so breathtakingly beautiful. "don't cry, love, I wanna see your pretty smile with cute dimples," he smiles, there's brimming tears in his eyes too.

He wants to stop crying, he did, but those words only hits harder and he's both crying and laughing at that, hands harrowing and holding onto Taeyong's wide shoulder so tightly he might ruin his clothes, burying his face on the said man's chest, wetting it with his tears.

"I love you, god I love you so much," he hiccuped with a soft, choked laugh.

"I love you too," Taeyong whispered, cheeks also wet due to his silent cry.

In the end it was the older who drove them back home to Jaehyun's apartment since the younger is being too emotional, the last thing they need is to get into an accident. They went to sleep cuddling together in their bed, this time it doesn't feel too big for Jaehyun, because Taeyong filling the emptiness of the bed just right, where he belongs. And once again his morning are greeted with the smell of coffee and the thick curtains set aside to let the sunlight in through the semi transparent white curtains. Just three days, but it does feel like temporary heaven for them.

It feels too short, way too fleeting since the both of them are busy and the time spent together are only in the morning and the night. They can only share one night for their bodies to speak, lips whispering and skin colliding, the longing and desperate heat pouring down to their sheet with promises for another chance.

And once again Jaehyun have to let Taeyong go, waving his hand to the older's disappearing form and none of his ghost remains for him to touch. Does it feel easier to let go this time? Maybe, maybe not because Jaehyun is still feeling that hollowness in the night in his cold bed. Three days is too short, it doesn't even feel real and he could barely remember how does it feel to have Taeyong again, not even enough to ease his questions and insecurities, was Taeyong's heart still his? Or was he only touching the older's fading warmth?

And as if being away wasn't hard enough, he received another bad news from his lover weeks later, "come again?"

" _Just for a few weeks, Jaehyun. The place I'm going to is quite... Rural, I suppose, they said signals are rather fickle there so I may not be able to contact you while I'm there_."

He fell silent, just what could he say? His displeasure? Not agreeing to it? As if he could say it, not when Taeyong is a man of his own person, he's free, anything Jaehyun would say will only lead them to another fight again. That's why he chose to stay quiet, too afraid to ruin it again when they're finally speaking normally again.

" _Jae?_ " Taeyong asked with a somewhat worried face in Jaehyun's phone screen.

"Okay, as long as you're coming back..." he finally said, tired, done.

" _Hey_ ," the older calls so Jaehyun look up and staring at his smiling image, " _I'll come back, I love you_."

This time Jaehyun only hummed, not saying _'I love you too_ ' back, because he's denying the words on the tip of his tongue, ' _are you going there alone? Or will Viktor be there too?_ ' He don't need them fighting again, so Jaehyun hold in his cry of disappointment. Maybe harm was what those fleeting three days did to them rather than quenching their longing, like a deep craving barely got sated and in turn only driving them mad and drowning deeper.

Because Taeyong was unreachable in those weeks when he went to the rural places, leaving Jaehyun tormented with worries and yearning, ill feelings filling the cracked glass to the verge of shattering. Those silent period was so excruciatingly long for the younger, not knowing if Taeyong is okay, if he's eating or resting enough, does he miss him too? But even when Taeyong came back to the main office after that, Jaehyun still could barely stay in touch with him since the said man is too busy with his work, and after being ignored way too many times with the same excuse, Jaehyun's pride took over and refused to contact him again.

Petty, hard headed, too prideful they are, even though they know very well those traits are exactly what drove them further apart, they still so stubbornly siding with their own pride. Is this what being adult is? Prideful? Feeling like the loser when one of them being clingy and the other seemingly doing okay without him? Just what happened to _us_? Just where did those days of compromise and love gone to? Does distance really is bringing the worst of them?

" _Have you been avoiding me?_ " Taeyong frowned, the first thing he said when his call finally went through the younger's phone.

"Avoiding you? I must say, I didn't even need to make an effort in that," Jaehyun snorted, face unseen yet from his voice alone the older could picture the sarcastic look on him.

" _Sarcasm? Do you really think that's the best you should do now?_ "

"I don't know, hyung. What should I do? I mean, I don't even know what I'm allowed to say."

Anger crawling in, Taeyong trying his hardest to keep it at bay, " _allowed to say? Have I ever tell you to not say something? Unless you're talking bullshit_."

"Perhaps, if what you call bullshit is about me worrying about you, missing you and angry because you forgot about me, then yes, that's what I couldn't say."

Taeyong's head is spinning from the sudden blood rush due to anger, " _is this because I haven't been calling you? Because I missed your calls because I was too busy?_ "

"I mean, you're so busy so I don't want to bother you or trouble you with my bullshit," Jaehyun said defiantly.

" _You're just trying to retaliate, didn't you? Because I keep ignoring you so you ignored me too, that's childish of you_ ," he hissed.

"Why are you calling?" Jaehyun asked instead.

" _Why? Do I have to have a reason to call my boyfriend?_ " he asked again, utterly annoyed.

"Because I have to have a reason to call you, when I called just because I missed you, you told me you're too busy and to call later only if it's something important. Does it ring a bell?"

 _"I never said that_ ," Taeyong gritted his teeth, denying the angry yell in his throat, " _don't put words into my mouth, you're twisting it just so you can put the blame on me. I'm not the only one who's busy when someone called, there are times when I contacted you and you can't talk to me too, so why when I did that it becomes a fault?_ "

"Because you were the one who keeps rejecting me, because even though you could spare a moment to talk to me, you decided to perfecting your works, even those which aren't really yours, because you're a fucking perfectionist. So I wanna ask you, why can't you be the damn perfectionist that you are with our relationship? Am I even your second?"

" _Jaehyun, I-_ " he heaved a deep breath, swallowing down the tightness of his throat, repeating the mantras in his head, _calm down calm down._ _"I miss you too, I worry about you too, I want to talk to you, hear about your days like we usually did. But, you know me... I'm anxious if I didn't finish something which I've already planned to do, it's messing up my mind. It's not that I don't care about you nor I didn't try enough_."

"Yeah, so, I just told you to do it, you don't have to talk to me because that's more important, yes? So why are you calling me right now?"

The older didn't answer, but by the way his breathing is shifting, Jaehyun knows he's trying not to blow up in anger. What he did say with a strained voice was only, " _we're not going anywhere like this, let's talk later, we shouldn't talk like this_."

"Hopefully later isn't a week later or a month later," Jaehyun said with a scoff, got replied with a beeping sound of a hung up call. Was it even right to feel this satisfied as if he won the argument? They're not competing, _for god sake_. Isn't what they have now is toxic then?

What was late night calls full of whispers of love, becomes calls where they're pointing fingers to find faults, to blame, to ruin. What was smiles and little kisses through video calls, becomes cries and more angry shouting, hate and anger seeping in, changing the pastel colors of their paper into black, red and green. Envy, wrath and pride break them apart, the names of other people around them coming up way too often, irrational jealousy taking form just so they could make the worst of the other, just so they could blame, to feel better in the most wicked way, just to justify their own insecurities. In the end everything that comes out of their mouths are nonsense which were built from lies and dark illusions, stories which never happened and accumulating like a snow ball rolling bigger, waiting to crash and destroy everything. Everything they have built together for years.

Until one day, they're too tired to stay, to keep denying the growing nonsense, to be together. After the nth time they fought again, both Taeyong and Jaehyun were too tired to even cry, the older finally voice out what was they keep refusing to say. Because they can't continue like this, hurting each other, replacing the sweet memories with those of hurtful words, he didn't want them to be bad, to be something which will leave a bad taste in their mouths when they look back to reminisce. Why was painful memories are easier to remember than those of the sweet and loving ones?

" _Let's stop_ ," Taeyong said with a defeated tone, voice too low, too tired, too pained. The words was too short, too ambiguous, but for them, it was as good as any.

Jaehyun heard it, he saw this coming, he could see the goodbyes in his lover's eyes, that was the only thing he saw and could remember lately. He couldn't remember how did Taeyong look when he smiled, or how will his eyes speak love when he's staring at him, he couldn't remember any of it because he can only recall the tired, sad and angry look in his eyes right at that time. _They did this_ , they did this to themselves, and even though he try to think if there's a way to mend them back, Jaehyun too, is far too tired and fed up for it.

He didn't say yes, didn't say no, didn't say sorry. He couldn't, those words are also what he had been wanting to say despite what his heart is yearning for. And so, the only thing he could say was, "okay."

Days and nights are filled with him crying, even when a part of him hating Taeyong, breaking up like that still hurting him, making him hating himself and loathing the man who was once his lover. He went through his days in autopilot, fucking up his job, throwing hurtful comments to his friends when they show concern and crying again in the nights.

Sometimes when his tears were too dry and what's left of him was to stare at the dark ceiling, he come to think about what did they do wrong, what he did wrong. Sometimes all he wanted was to take it all back, to crawl back to Taeyong, to say sorry, to say ' _let's try us again_ ', but it will end up with him crying again with no tears and say, ' _not again_ '. Then come the times when he blames Taeyong, put all the faults onto him, hating him, because it feels easier like that. But is it? Does he breath easier? He doesn't. Does Taeyong hurting as much as him? He hope he's hurting much more than he is.

After that Jaehyun is feeling somewhat okay and doesn't give a shit anymore, or at least that's what he tells himself. He remembers the fact that Taeyong never like Haeun, his colleague from the same department, he had been since the start when the woman shown the slightest interest in Jaehyun. And as if he's trying to prove something, Jaehyun let himself be closer to her, indulging her flirtatious laughter and teasing, even though Taeyong wasn't even there to see him, it gives him a sick satisfaction of revenge. It all come down to shit and more nauseating feelings when the woman took his reaction in the wrong way. She thought he's giving her the green light and it goes terribly wrong when one night she kissed him. They were too drunk, Jaehyun is too hurting, too lonely and he drinks in her attention which he had been yearning from Taeyong without filter.

But maybe he's too far gone, still too much in love with Taeyong that that single kiss from the woman felt like maggots eating him alive. He pulls away, letting distance to take place and bring her home, then wrote the words of _sorry_ and _no_ in a piece of paper for her to see in the morning. Just what is he doing? Only then he realized how messed up he has been. He dragged an innocent person into his own issue, he wasn't someone like this, just how bad had Taeyong broke him? Just how far is he going to destroy his own self? Taeyong wasn't the only guilty one, he is also, if not more.

Knowing that doesn't help him get better, but at least he stopped messing it further with his colleague. Done was his denial phase, done was his angry phase, now a couple of months later Jaehyun is no longer crying, no longer blaming, but he couldn't stop thinking what could they have done to avoid this? There's no call, no text from his ex lover, Taeyong didn't have to, yet still Jaehyun hopes he would. Now he hope Taeyong is okay, he hope Taeyong is not hurting as much as he is, he hope the man is able to continue his dream, stay focused on it and strive higher. Although deep down Jaehyun also hopes that the older is still thinking about him, even if it's only a fleeting thought, _he hopes he did_.

His life is a mess, his heart is torn, his apartment is chaotic. Every part of his place reminds him of Taeyong, the dirty kitchen, the dusting table, the littered floor, he could imagine just how livid Taeyong would be if he see the destruction he did to his apartment, what was once _their home_ , the man always so neat and clean. He's silently laughing to himself at the image, he was becoming neater due to the older man influence on him, but it was all got forgotten because Taeyong is not there with him anymore, not there with him in any way _at all._ It makes him cry, crouching on the dirty floor which telling him just how wrecked he is without Taeyong, droplets of regrets wetting his skin. _Regrets_ , finally washes over him. What is pride? His downfall, _their_ downfall.

Still he pretends to be okay, to be fine and smiling with apology to Haeun, who came to dislike him, that was her right since he did her wrong. Johnny, his only friend who's still forgiving him even after he hurted him with his words, accompanying him in the weekend, soothing at least a bit of his loneliness. One day Johnny came barging into his apartment, storming in and telling him to fix himself, start it with the simplest thing, cleaning his place. They don't talk, the taller man leaving Jaehyun to clean his bedroom alone in his own pace, the silence only being filled with songs from Johnny's playlist. Why is it so hard for him to clean his room? As if the reminder of his broken heart will do anything than hurting him more.

It seems like fate is mocking him, because just when he finally decided to clean all the cluttered pieces of his heart, he found Taeyong's heart in his bedroom. The sculpture of wine corks, different shades and forms put together into what Jaehyun could perceived as a man, sitting in a pose as if he's thinking, but there's a soft smile on his rather abstract form. He stares at it like he's looking deep into what Taeyong have left behind, as if he's trying to read what was Taeyong trying to tell him. His love, _their love_.

He remembers that once Taeyong said to him that Jaehyun often looking at him with fond eyes, hand propping his cheek and smiling to him as if saying love wordlessly, that it makes the older happy to be looked at like that, to truly feel loved by Jaehyun. And now he's seeing it on the sculpture, the way he looked in Taeyong's eyes, the way he loved him selflessly, how he was content enough to see Taeyong happy. He cries, because it's too late, isn't it? They are broken, they can't go back together, because he was too greedy, too prideful. _They were too selfish._ If only Jaehyun can turn back time, if only Jaehyun find this sculpture before they went too wrong, maybe they would have a different ending.

"Nothing is ever too late."

Jaehyun turned his head to the voice, seeing Johnny standing by the door with an encouraging smile, walking closer to him and embracing him gently, "it's never too late, Jaehyun, please talk to him even if it's only for a closure, you both need it."

He cries harder, pressing his palms over his face, "he never contact me, I- what if he have moved on? I can't bear to take it, I don't want to. I still love him so much no matter how hard I tried to hate him, I just- _I can't_."

"What if he's also feeling the same way with you? What if he's thinking of all the what if you two could be? It'll hurt, but you need it, you need to either put an end to this, let it go or try again, try harder."

Jaehyun couldn't say, he cries to Johnny's chest, hugging him and wishing if only Taeyong is there to put his misery to an end. If only. As his cry slowing down and heart slightly grow unburdened, he hears the song which keep replaying in the air, songs which Johnny purposely let on, as if it was his desperate attempt to let Jaehyun understand.

_All of those nights, still tattooed on my mind_  
_No matter where I go you'll be a part of me forever_  
_You can't control it, you can't help it when you fall in love_  
_I’ll give you everything, and now I gotta give you up_  
_And I know it’s over, but if it's any closure_  
_Even if I knew it would end_  
_Even if I knew we wouldn’t walk away friends_  
_I'd still do it again_  
_I'd still do it again_  
_Sometimes I wanna call_  
_'Cause even though it wasn't right_  
_I still hope you're alright_  
_Sometimes I wanna call_

It hurts, but Jaehyun closes his eyes, letting his tears to dry on his cheeks and images of Taeyong filling the darkness behind his eyelids. When he was smiling, even though through a video call, but still they were together, connected in some way and he had said, ' _I'll come back, I love you_ '. Does those words still true? There's only one way to know if it does.

"I will call him," he whispered to his friend, for once letting go of his armors and pride. This wasn't about who's the losing side, this is about what he's truly feel, he love Taeyong still and he's not going to lie about it.

It took him more time to gather his bravery though, long over a week for him to finally dialing the number he had once blocked. Was that one of the reasons why Taeyong hadn't contact him? Maybe he had tried to call him but since denied for so many times he came to gave up? It should have been three am where Taeyong is right now, Jaehyun was too lost in his own turmoils that he didn't remember the time difference, but by some miracle the call was picked up even though silence was the only thing he hear.

No one was saying anything, not even a short ' _hello_ ' or any other single word, throat too tight to do it. Before Jaehyun could muster up anything, a cry spilling out of his mouth and it's growing stronger the more he try to stop it. Then another cry heard from the other line, Taeyong is also crying having nothing else he could say, he didn't think he still have any right to be when he was the one who put an end to them.

So Jaehyun says, full of pain, of yearning, "I miss you."

" _I miss you too_..." he replied with a cry, harder than before.

"Nothing is right, anything feels wrong without you."

" _I miss you, Jaehyun, I_..." Taeyong couldn't say what he wanted to say.

"I love you, I still love you," he spoke truthfully.

Taeyong cries harder, breathing hard, " _I love you too, I love you Jaehyun, I'm so sorry._ "

"I'm sorry too, god Taeyong, I'm so sorry too. I'm sorry we have become like this, I hope you're at least alright, I hope you're doing fine there."

 _"I... I also hope you're fine there_ ," Taeyong said instead, " _even if nothing feels right for us, I hope you're doing well there._ "

"Sarcasm?" Jaehyun chuckled with a cry, heart hurting so bad.

" _No, I truly hope you're doing fine,_ " Taeyong is also chuckling still with a cry, a little hurt at Jaehyun's attempt to reenact what he did.

"Me too..." he hiccuped, breathing in deeply to stop his cry, "I miss you."

" _Me too._ "

Was all they said in that one fleeting call, nothing else. Because in the end, they couldn't stop what they are feeling and nothing was done to fix what was broken, even if they go back together, they'll repeat the same thing again. So the least they could do was to be honest about what they're feeling then let time be their answer. If time give them a chance to go back together, then they will, if not, then that's how it is have to be. Cruel, but it's the best for them, no more selfish demands, no more pride getting in the way, only the time to heal each other.

Maybe then Jaehyun did feel alright, not really fine but still he truly feel better. He clean his apartment like he would when Taeyong was still frequently visiting him, back to doing his work properly and eating his meals well. He didn't contact Taeyong again nor was he's waiting for one, because now he wants to figure out his own life, to mend his broken heart and everything which was falling apart. He seek out his friends who he had pushed away before, some welcome him, some didn't without angry words, but they still accept him again after a while. Slowly he's able to control his life again and he feels more at ease to be on his own, something he failed to do when Taeyong was there with him.

Suddenly, he's already a year older since they have broken up, perhaps he has grown to be a better person. But it still stung to see the calendar, realizing his birthday is getting closer and he had missed one when the both of them was still fighting. Will he spend his birthday without Taeyong again this year? He found himself not as sad as he thought he would be at the idea, he still have friends, other people he could be with to spend the day together. It will be better to spend it with Taeyong, but it's not the end of the world if he couldn't, he just hope the older would at least remember the day and that would be enough.

Yet in the night before his birthday, his door got knocked on and he got the best gift he could ever have. Jaehyun stood there with gaping mouth, mind going haywire and hand twitching over the doorknob. There's a man who's standing before him, smiling with a big suitcase by his feet and there's a huge wrapped gift in his arms.

"Happy birthday, Jaehyun."

He's swarmed with so many thoughts and emotions, rendering him speechless and unable to move, it feels like forever since he could hear Taeyong's voice directly. But then Taeyong is speaking again, feet shifting and fingers moving about in nervousness, "I know I have no right to be here, I shouldn't even show my face when today supposed to be your happy day, I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I just want to see you, if it's not going to be the first after what had happened to us, then at least I hope you'll allow this to be the last time I could see you."

Hurt, so, _so_ painful, it feels like Taeyong is ripping apart his heart with his own hands. Still the older continue, "once again, happy birthday Jaehyun. I pray that this day will be the start of something new for you, a better life, better people, better love." Taeyong is smiling even though tears brimming in his eyes, "it's hard to let go because I still love you, but because of that, I want you to be happy, I want you to find your dreams and I want you to succeed, to stay healthy and everything that's good in this life. I-"

Jaehyun didn't let him to say anything more, embracing him with all his might, letting the fiof his tears to fall into the man's hair and said, "I don't want to. I don't want a life where there's no you, don't you say this is the last time you'll see me."

Taeyong stops, gripping at the back of Jaehyun's shirt and crying to his neck, drenching his skin with his tears, his yearning, his regrets and love, "I'm not right for you. I've hurt you, I wasn't mature enough, I was selfish, I was too full of myself that I just... I thought you'll understand me but I didn't try to really understand you, I'm so sorry for that, for everything I've done. But we-"

"I'm sorry too," he said, sobbing like a lost child, but who cares, "I'm sorry because I was too greedy and selfish too. I will say sorry for as many times as you would want me to do, but please don't end us now, not now when I know it can only be you, only you feels right."

"I might do it again Jaehyun," he hiccuped, trying to breath easier through his tightening throat, "you know me, this is me, I want to do so many things and that's including you, but that may leave you feeling lonely and forgotten like before. I love you, I want to stay with you, but... You know how it is. It'll be better for you if you're not with me."

Jaehyun doesn't answer, doesn't let go, Taeyong's hair feels damp from where Jaehyun's cheek pressed to it, "if only I wasn't so clingy, if I wasn't so petty and more understanding, maybe we could do better. We were both at fault, hyung, both of us. But we know that now, doesn't that mean there's a chance to fix where we were wrong? The time I've spent without you telling me that I could do it, I could learn to be more understanding when you need your own time, that I could learn to be less prideful about the situation."

They holds each other tighter as if they're the only thing which keeping them afloat, "so do you have the heart to be better with me? To be less of your perfectionist self and spare more time for me rather than doing someone else's work which weren't to your standards? Just a little time to talk to me, let it wait for a moment because you don't need to finish everything in a day or two before the deadline which you set by yourself, you won't have to spare a whole day to talk to me so it can work, right?"

Taeyong is sighing as he's wiping his tears over Jaehyun's shirt, "you were too clingy while I was too hung up about myself, weren't we?"

"We both are, too hung up about ourselves," Jaehyun corrects, it's hard to spell it out like that, to admit their faults is always the hardest part when they were too used to put the blame onto another, to wash their hands clean when they both has it dirty. Pride can be very toxic, but people can change, can't they? "I was immature and so do you, so can't we... Try to grow up together, to be better?"

It doesn't seem to be right time, but Taeyong laughed softly, "it feels weird to say growing up together when both of us are grown ass men."

"Physically, but even old people are not so well matured like their bodies did. Our mental age is underdeveloped compared to our outward appearance," he laughed too to break a little bit of the tension between them, pulling away from the hug so he could lead them inside the apartment instead of standing like idiots in front of the door. Jaehyun took Taeyong's hand when they sit on the couch, wanting to kiss it, yet hesitant because he didn't know if he have the right to do so.

"They said people never stop learning and growing up until we're in our death bed. Because we're not living life alone and we'll have to constantly adapting to all the fits and misfits we will have with the people around us." He brings a hand to tuck in Taeyong's hair behind his ear, fond and longing, "some people are better to let go, but some are worth fighting for, which do you see us as?"

Taeyong stares into Jaehyun's eyes for a while, looking deep beyond his dark brown eyes to see the many pains and regrets they had went through, but also the sweet and beautiful moments they had shared. Where there's light, there's always shadows, isn't it? They should be able to decide whether they want the light to be brighter than the shadows or not, "I guess, I want to see us holding hands even when we're walking with canes..."

This time it's Jaehyun who's bending down to bury his face onto Taeyong's chest, embracing all the man is with both his arms, "let us try to learn better, to talk without anger, to wait for logic to speak rather than our pride and emotions."

"Remind me when I get too much too, Jaehyun, I... I want us to work," he said in a whisper, yet it rings true just like the start of something new, new promises, a new and preferably better life. "Is it possible? Can we do that?"

"We can, I know we can, as long as we're both trying to," he hiccuped, tears spilling anew, "so please, please take me back, take me back hyung."

"That should have been my words, I'm so sorry, I love you," Taeyong kisses Jaehyun's head, cradling his face so he could kiss his cheek, his lips, softly and taking their time, "let's start over, let's make us work."

"Thank you, thank you I love you too," he cried, but it was the tears of happiness and relief this time. It'll still be painful, but the pain is there so they could be better, they just need to see and realize it. "If I could followed you to Seoul, then I could follow you to Iceland or wherever the fuck it is, I will find a way."

"No, thank you Jaehyun, thank you for loving me," Taeyong cries too, chuckling a bit at how adorably dumb Jaehyun is being, "let's talk about that later, I do have something to tell you about Germany."

"I never stop."

"So do I, I never stop loving you, I just can't," he said with a smile, heart finally at ease and encouraged to mend what was broken, "maybe this time around we have to introspect ourselves before we put the blame on others. Let's take it slow this time..."

Jaehyun laughs, "definitely."

To love is painful, even those who are meant to be together would never go unscathed. Because in the end, we are all our own individuals, with our own differences, ideals and principles. Sometimes pride gets in the way, sometimes wrath and envy does, but beside the torments, two magnets will collide together in the best way when they set aside what was hindering them.

 

In the end, being okay is a choice, because before you can ask for someone to save you, you have to save yourself first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The song which being played in Jaehyun's apartment was [Again by Sasha Sloan](https://youtu.be/JRKYL284YG4)
> 
> I hope you like it even if it's only in the slightest bit.
> 
> Thank you for giving this story a chance.
> 
> Tell me what you think!
> 
> Hit me up at my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RiriSailing?s=09)


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